I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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