All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
