my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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