I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
