he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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