everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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