Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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