after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
