he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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