I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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