Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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