So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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