May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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