Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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