Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
