Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
