"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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