Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
No subtext here. People are naked.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
