Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
