So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
