There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
