u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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