Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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