u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
