wanna go halves on a baby?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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