I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
