it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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