I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
