So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
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You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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