I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
