I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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