we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
