Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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