Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
