I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
