i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize