my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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