just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
