dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
