i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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