woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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