Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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