she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
