There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
