I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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