We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
