On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
