WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
