forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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