Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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