Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
