She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
