My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
