Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
