I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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