I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
