I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
