fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
