I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
