Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
