My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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