This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Damn victory sex feels great
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
